This could be my first insomniacal post, at this house anyway.

I was really sad yesterday for Joanna after reading that her Mum had passed away so suddenly on the weekend. I just couldn’t believe it. She had only been sick a few days and looked the picture of health in a photo taken on Christmas Day.

Having lost Mum a few years ago, I obviously don’t know exactly how Joanna is feeling but I know I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of loss I suffered, even with Mum’s long illness. Noone is ever ready.

I was stunned and mortified then this morning when my Dad called me to tell me that my Mum’s brother had suffered a massive heart attack on the weekend and died yesterday. I pretty much collapsed and sobbed and berated Dad for whatever calming words he was trying to tell me.

I rang two of my cousins tonight and it was really great to hear them speak of how much they loved him, for them to tell me that they were there with him, and they quizzed me about how I felt when Mum passed. Like I had before, they wondered if they were being normal and wondered what comes next.

I was thinking about Joanna yesterday, and I realised that I learnt a hell of a lot more about life after I had witnessed death. I’m still not a person who only lives for today like it’s my last or anything like that, but I think I do love the little things more, I do marvel at the miracle of the human body, and in particular the human mind. I told my cousins that what helped me was when the penny dropped that I hadn’t actually lost my Mum. What I had lost was the potential to spend more time with Mum. Of course, that is hurtful as it is, heartbreaking, but I realised that no one could take away my beautiful childhood, our cheeky laughs and fits of giggles together, her wonderful lullabies, her patience with me throughout my whole life, the list just goes on.

What I didn’t tell them is that she is still with me when she wants to be. I’m not religious but would not be against it if it came my way. I feel that this spiritualism has come my way. I was telling friends at dinner on Friday night that Mum had been with me. It’s not that I talk to her, but I guess I converse in some internal way. When I asked where she had been and that I didn’t feel she had been around for Christmas or New Year, she shared with me that she had been in Scotland with the family for Christmas and New Year because it had been hard to be with us this year with changes to our family structure. When I remembered that I had said that on Friday to my friend tonight, I felt so warm that my uncle had not only spent Christmas with his family, but that Mum (as I know her) was there too on the other side of the world.

I’ve been trying to find a flight to get over there but I don’t think it will happen. Only one airline has seats available this week and it’s not until Thursday. I’ll see how it goes.

Joanna, if you’re reading, I’m so sorry for your loss. I could see you in your Mum as soon as I saw that picture on your blog. You’re a wonderful legacy to her in so many ways.

Egg on Death sucks.